Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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