New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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