the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
