Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
