My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
