im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
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My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
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Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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