I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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