i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
