WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
