youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
