remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
