I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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