Sponge bath it is.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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