I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
