I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
