I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
