Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
