Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
