when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Randomize
