So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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