I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
