why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
