based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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