My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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