last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
