just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
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I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
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Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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