I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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