Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
