Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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