im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
