Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
