Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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