One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
