you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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