she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
