He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
