i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
