woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
