but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
