so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
