sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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