Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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