then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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