Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
