How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
