bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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