I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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