The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
