My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
