Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
