I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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