she looked like the bat from fern gully.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
