i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
