This is not my ceiling
Pants 0. Shit 1.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
