We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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