The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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