Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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