We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize